


did i say that out loud?

by ashleygail



Category: IT (2017)
Genre: Canon Timeline, Flashbacks, Fluff, Longing, M/M, Memories, Mutual Pining, Period Typical Homophobia (minor), Pining, Soft Boys, Yearning, cliff jumping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-05
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-08-09 18:22:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20122825
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashleygail/pseuds/ashleygail
Summary: “You know how he gets, Eddie.” Stan had said. “He’s just Richie-ing out. He’ll come back. If it was really a problem, Mr and Mrs Tozier would have called the police. Until we see more Missing posters, there’s no reason to think he’s not okay.”“I don't want to wait until missing posters go up to care about our friend.” Eddie had shot back.[or; my piece written for the IT Big Bang 2019, paired with disneyfan567 on tumblr!]





	did i say that out loud?

Richie had been gone for a long time. He’d been acting weird Thursday, quiet and just off-character, then hadn’t showed up for school Friday morning. It had been radio silence that whole day, and Bill said Maggie had called that night to see if Richie had gone over to the Denbrough’s for a sleepover. Everybody assumed that since Maggie had never followed up, that Richie must have made his way home eventually. There was still no word throughout the weekend, and it had been the final straw for Eddie when Richie hadn’t made an appearance at school on Monday. 

After school, Eddie had decided they needed to find Richie. He was more than a little frustrated in the lack of response he got from their friends, who all had assumed that Richie was fine. “You know how he gets, Eddie.” Stan had said. “He’s just Richie-ing out. He’ll come back. If it was really a problem, Mr and Mrs Tozier would have called the police. Until we see more Missing posters, there’s no reason to think he’s not okay.”

“I don't want to wait until missing posters go up to care about our friend.” Eddie had shot back, trying not to shake. Stan rubbing at the nearly invisible scars on his face was the only indicator that he was uncomfortable. Things between the Losers hadn’t been the same since That Summer, Eddie knew it, but he thought… he thought maybe, after everything, they’d be a little more concerned with one of their own going missing. 

And yet, only Ben Hanscom had agreed to help Eddie look. Eddie knew that Richie and Ben had gotten unpredictably close since they met, Eddie always trying to stifle down the feelings of jealousy whenever he caught the two of them hanging out alone. His feelings towards Richie Tozier had always been heightened higher than his feelings towards anybody else he‘s ever known. When he felt love for Richie, it was explosive. When he felt anger, it was all consuming. And when he felt jealousy… it was crippling. He couldn’t- no, not couldn’t… _ wouldn’t- _ explain to himself why everything was stronger for Richie. Why Richie was always so much _ more _to him.

It was just the kind of self evaluation that Eddie Kaspbrak wasn’t ready to face, would maybe never be ready to face. 

But if something had happened to Richie, that wouldn’t matter- because the chance would have stolen away from him. So, Eddie was going to look. He was going to walk around this complete hell town until his feet bled, and search until he passed out from exhuasion if that was what it took. He was going to find Richie Tozier. There wasn’t a choice in the matter, and he’d sure as hell do it alone if nobody was going to help him. 

But Ben did help him, though, all afternoon. They stopped by the Tozier house, facing a nervous looking Maggie Tozier who told them Richie had come home Saturday night, but disappeared again Sunday morning. That she hadn’t heard from him since then. He’d left a note promising he was okay, and asking that they not to look for him. Eddie’s stomach had dropped and they’d searched _ everywhere _after that. They’d scoured the town, from the arcade, to the junkyard, even up to the school where they already knew he wasn’t.

The sun was starting to set and Eddie was almost tearful when Ben said he had to go home for dinner. “I think you should tell Maggie to call the police,” Ben had told him, patting Eddie on the shoulder and giving him a sad smile. “They’ll be able to do a lot better job looking than we can.”

Eddie resisted telling Ben how just last summer they’d proved that to be a lie, and just nodded. He didn’t think this had anything to do with IT. He was sure that his gut would be telling him if it was. There wasn’t _ that sort _of fear or anxiety, and he hadn’t seen anything odd. No. This wasn’t a supernatural thing, just a scary normal thing. Richie had left a note, run away. IT wouldn’t have bothered to leave them a note. At least not any note like that. 

Just as Eddie was starting to remember Richie’s childhood whims of running away and leaving this town, thinking _ shit shit shit he’s left he’s gone forever Richie Richie Richie, _something hit him. There was still one place he hadn’t checked, and he felt like such a goddamn idiot. 

Eddie broke into a run. 

»»»

Richie tensed at the sound of footsteps coming towards him through the bushes. Fitting that this should be the way he died, sitting on the edge of quarry, crying like a little bitch. He hadn’t needed to worry, of course, because the only person in this world who would have been out looking for Richie Tozier in the middle of the night was Eddie Kaspbrak.

He heard the other boy coming into the opening at the top of the cliff, but Richie didn’t turn around. Normally, he’d be all up for greeting Eddie loudly and enthusiastically, throwing in a nickname or two along with a cheek pinch (or kiss) that had started making Richie’s heart hammer scarily over the past few months. Tonight, though, Richie couldn’t really be bothered to put on a show for anybody. “How did you know where to find me?”

“I always know where to find you.” Eddie said softly, dropping down beside Richie and letting his feet dangle over what suddenly felt like the edge of the world. He knocked his shoulder against Richie’s. “‘Sides, you’re predictable. Where else would you be if not at home or in my window?”

“I could’ve been under the old bridge by the junkyard.” Richie pointed out with a shrug of his shoulder. He could see Eddie smirking slightly from the corner of his eyes. 

“I took the long way and walked past the bridge to get here. Just in case.” Eddie said, before his grin dropped. “Your dad took the job, didn’t he? The one in California?”

Richie swallowed roughly. “Yeah.” Maybe the worst part of this, for Richie, was that the biggest part of him was excited about it. California sounded awesome, summer weather all year long and the constant possibility of running into celebrities? It was the exact sort of place a guy like Richie Tozier would _ want _to live. His stomach had been clenched up with guilt over wanting to go for weeks. “We leave after school lets out.”

That was only a week from now, and Richie let that truth settle over them for a moment. Richie fiddled one of the with many bracelets- some which were just girls’ ponytails in actuality- that littered his wrists, and continued not to look at Eddie. He knew he shouldn’t be feeling guilty, really. Derry was a terrible place, and nobody would begrudge him being excited to leave. It seemed like everyday he saw less and less reason to want to stay. 

The Losers Club had fallen apart after That Summer. Beverly had moved to Portland, and her phone calls got further and further apart until they stopped all together. They didn’t see much of Mike anymore, now that they were in school and he remained working and studying out on the farm. The first few months, they’d tried to see him regularly but once the snow came, it was hard for them to bike around, they couldn’t see him nearly as much. The snow had melted months ago, but somehow they’d never gotten back into the routine of visiting with Mike. 

Things between Richie and Bill had been okay for awhile, after everything, but it was as though there had been some sort of deep tension between them that they tried to ignore until it became too physically uncomfortable to spend time around each other. The little personality quirks of Richie’s that Bill had once found endearing now annoyed him and made him roll his eyes. And there was something in Bill’s self-righteous leadership attitude that Richie had once loved so much that had turned sour after That Summer, and it now filled Richie with anger and resentment whenever Bill stepped up in any situation. It didn’t help, when Stan and Eddie still jumped every time Bill told them to, and Richie just really couldn’t handle being around that all the time. In no situation ever should Richie Tozier be the only sane man.

Stanley had a habit of dropping off the face of the Earth for prolonged periods of time, and Richie always felt terribly off-kilter whenever it had been a couple days since he’d seen him. Sure, none of them had ever truly gotten over what they’d been through- and he didn’t think they ever would- but Stan seemed to have taken it so much harder than the rest of them. Richie was never sure how to help, and was sure that all he’d ever do for Stan would to be make things worse, so he avoided him. Then felt guilty for avoiding him, his best friend, but he didn’t stop doing it. Told himself that it was for the best, that he was doing it for Stanley. It didn’t help the ache in his chest when he noticed the sad, confused looks that Stan would give him in the halls when they made eye contact for a short second before Richie would turn and sprint into the opposite direction of where he needed to be going. 

Richie spent most of his time at school with Ben, because Ben was easy. He hadn’t been friends with Ben before so with him, there was no constant existence of trying to pretend that everything was the same. If Ben missed the other Losers, and wanted to spend time with them as well, he never lead it on to Richie. Richie couldn’t heart and stomach being handling being around Stan’s blank eyes, or Bill’s ‘I’ve never done anything wrong in my life” attitude… or Eddie’s “Bill has never done anything wrong in this life” attitude.

Richie still hung out with Eddie Kaspbrak, though. Never at school, never out in public, even. They sat together in their English course, because they were the only ones in the Advanced course, and no other Losers were there. The class was nice, breezy, and Richie was never awkward around Eddie when only Eddie was around. He was still his little Eds.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Eddie asked him, forcibly dragging Richie back into reality. Richie’s hands shook and squeezed his eyes shut. He wasn’t sure he could get into all this with Eddie, not right now. Maybe not ever. 

“Bev.” Richie replied, shrugging. It was close enough to the truth that Eddie would know the road that Richie’s thoughts were going down, without Richie having to expose every nerve ending of his mind.

Eddie was nodding, Richie could just barely see it without giving Eddie a full look. “It won’t be like that. I won’t let it be.”

“What can you do about it?” Richie asked, feeling his chest starting to tighten up. “What if it’s like… related to IT, or whatever? And if we leave Derry, we start to forget everything and everyone and IT is doing it to keep us from coming back, or-”

Eddie’s hands came out and grabbed at Richie’s own. He pulled them forward and placed them into Eddie’s lap. Richie’s heart started beating faster for a bit of a different reason now, but he still couldn’t bring himself to tear his eyes away from the blank, dark night sky in front of him to look at Eddie.

He should, he knew. He should be spending every second he can looking at Eddie, because Richie was going to miss Eddie more than anything about this shitty fucking place right up in the moment he maybe forgot about his existence. And yet, Richie couldn’t bring himself to look at Eddie because if he did, he might tell him everything. Just have a complete sissy break down and confess all his gay, gay thoughts about his old friend. Then Eddie would run for the hills and Richie would never even get to say goodbye before he left. 

“Do you remember the day we met?” Eddie asked, his voice soft and light. Richie furrowed his brow and pursed his lips. The sudden change in topic made Richie’s head spin a little bit, he’d never been good at following conversation when it went in straight line- let alone when it danced all over the place in multiple directions. “It was like, the first week of first grade and you were-”

_ Sitting alone against the brick wall of the primary section of the school yard. It was the worst part of the yard, Richie believed. It didn’t have the tetherball, or the basketball nets, or even the swings. There was just one small playground, with only one slide. There wasn’t even a firepole. The older kids playground had a firepole, and whenever Richie brought it up, he was told that a firepole wasn’t safe for kids so young like them. Richie couldn’t wait to be an older kid, who could actually do things at recess. Recess was so boring, he might as well stay inside and do more school work. _

_ Richie glared angrily at Stan, sitting peacefully over in the corner of the yard, reading his book. Stan could already read better than anybody else in their year, at a fourth grade level, and he’d banished Richie over to the wall for being too annoying and distracting. Richie had tried to tell him that that was part of his charm, but Stan hadn’t been going for it so Richie had left. Now he was forced to deal with a twice as boring recess, and Stan was probably still going to be pissy with him when they went back to class so Richie’s whole day was a “right off” as his mother would say. _

_ “Why are you sitting by the wall by yourself?” Richie was suddenly covered over by a shadow much too large for the small child that possessed it. Richie knew who he was immediately, of course. He was Eddie Kaspbrak, best friends with Bill Denbrough and the little boy with asthma from Room 207. Richie didn’t really know what asthma was, but he knew it must have been serious with how the teachers were always fawning over Eddie all day. Richie supposed the kid must have been dying. _

_ Eddie didn’t really look like he was dying, though. He had fluffy hair and chubby cheeks, hands on his hips and was practically shining in the sunlight. “What's it to you, short stuff?” Richie asked, narrowing his eyes and resisting the urge to stick his tongue out at him. Richie didn’t know Eddie Kaspbrak, not really, had only seen him a few times. He was never at the park after school, and he wasn’t part of the Cub Scouts that had started this fall like he and Stanley were. All Richie knew about him was that he was friends with Big Bill Denbrough, and also maybe he was dying a little bit. _

_ Eddie let out an angry huff, and stomped his small foot. Way smaller than Richie’s. He must still be wearing toddler shoes, Richie thought to himself. “Are you a jerk?” Eddie asked him, frowning down at Richie. “Because I’ll justleave if you’re a jerk. Bill said you were nice so I decided that we’re friends, too, but not if you’re a jerk.” _

_ Richie blinked, brain stalling to process the large amount of words that Eddie had spit at him in such a short period of time. It seemed, though, that Eddie wasn’t quite done. _

_ “Billy said you’re nice but annoying, and Billy doesn’t lie so why are you being a jerk? Hmmm? Are you a jerk? Do you just trick people into being friends with you.” _

_ “Friends?” Richie shook his head. “I only have one friend. Stanley. He banished me, though. So I guess I have zero friends now.” _

_ Eddie gave him a dirty look. “No. Weren’t you listening to me, you big dumb jerk? Billy likes you, so I’ve decided we’re friends. You have three friends. That’s two more than one, don’t you know any maths?” _

_ Richie pushed off the ground and stood in front of Eddie. Eddie wasn’t as short Richie thought he was, coming close to Richie’s own height. That bothered him a little bit. How come Eddie was so small if he wasn’t actually small? “You can’t just tell people that they’re your friends now. You have to ask.” Richie said with a smirk, ignoring the fact that this was pretty much the same way he’d become friends with Stan back in kindergarten. Maybe he’d chosen the wrong person to force himself on, though, since Stanley missed so much school and often seemed annoyed by him while he was here. He still invited Richie over for dinner sometimes, though, so he clearly didn’t mind Richie as much as he pretended that he did. _

_ Eddie, now, was practically burning holes in Richie’s forehead with his glare. “Well, I just did. We’re friends now, so better not be a jerk anymore!” _

_ “Maybe I don’t want to be friends with you.” Richie said, giving Eddie a big grin. The teasing backfired quicker than Richie had ever seen, because Eddie’s angry little expression morphed into big, wet eyes and a trembling bottom lip so fast that Richie got a little dizzy. Eddie’s shoulders slumped down and kicked at the ground before turning away. His legs tensed as though he was about to run, but Richie reached out and grabbed his arm. _

_ “Wait, wait!” Richie cried, his stomach starting to hurt a little bit. “I’m sorry, I’m being a jerk just like you said.” _

_ Eddie turned around, and that grumpy look was back. Richie’s stomach soared. “You are a jerk. Maybe I don’t want to be your friend after all.” _

_ Richie shrugged one shoulder, trying not to look as hurt as he felt. “That’s okay. Nobody ever really wants to be my friend.” _

_ “Because you’re a jerk?” Eddie shot back, still frowning. _

_ Richie looked down at his feet, kicking at the ground. “No. Because I’m loud and ‘nnoying. Leas’ that’s what everybody says.” _

_ Eddie pursed his lips, in an expression that looked so ‘adult’ that Richie blinked at him in surprise. It was getting harder and harder to believe that they were the same age. _

_ “Well, we’re friends now.” Eddie said firmly, maybe convincing himself a little bit. “Even if you are a jerk and annoying. Now, come on. You’re not spending recess sitting alone on the wall.” _

_ Richie had a skip in his step as he followed Eddie over towards where Bill was playing. _

Richie let out a rough little laugh, scraping his hands through his hair. “Yeah, I remember you basically begging me to let you be my friend. That backfired right into your face, didn’t it? Bet you didn’t think you’d never be getting rid of me.”

Tense silence settled again, and Richie cursed himself for always coming through and ruining all the perfectly good and normal moments. Richie’s brain lacked a filter and most common sense on a good day, but around Eddie it sometimes seemed as though his entire brain packed up and left the country. 

Eddie chuckled, his thumb swiping over the back of Richie’s hand, which was still pressed into Eddie’s lap. “Well. That’s how I know we’re going to stay friends, even when you move away. You’re like a little kid latched onto my leg that I can’t shake off. Even if I wanted to, which I don’t.” 

“I don’t know, Eds.” Richie shook his head, slipping back into the dark cloud that had been his mind the past few weeks, ever since his father had dropped the move into his lap. “We thought we’d all stay close after that summer, you know? But we didn’t. Sometimes we can go days without talking. I barely remember the last time I hung out with Mike.”

Eddie nodded slowly. Richie continued staring out at the water. 

“So, it’s nice…” Richie shrugged. “That you’re so hopeful. But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m going to move. And even if you don’t completely forget me, I’m going to be across the country and you’ll make friends here and won’t need me anymore.”

“That’s not true.” Eddie said quietly, wondering if it was. 

Richie laughed. “I mean, you don’t even remember the first time we _ actually _met.”

Eddie blinked. “What? What are you talking about? I just told you-”

“That was the first time you talked me.” Richie corrected him, smiling blandly. “Maybe that was the first time you met me, but it wasn’t the first time I’d met you-” 

“You can’t have a one-sided meeting!” Eddie interrupted, rolling his eyes. Richie’s hand was sweating in his, but he didn’t want to let go.

“Well, I did.” Richie shot back, with a very Richie-like waggle of his brow. “It was before kindergarten. It’s probably one of my first memories actually, it was at Keene’s pharmacy and you were-”

_ Screaming. Somebody was screaming. _

_ Richie turned away from his mother, searching for the source with big, wide eyes. It wasn’t any sort of scared screaming, like in those Adult Scary Movies his daddy sometimes watched at night when Richie was in bed, that he’d stay up listening to. It was angry screaming, coming from this little high pitched voice. _

_ “No!” The voice shouted, no, not shouted- shrieked. Richie’s arms jumped up in what his mommy always called “goose pimples”, and the hair around them stood on end. “I don’t WANNA! You CAN’T MAKE ME!” _

_ “Mommy?” Richie asked, staring at his mom with big, wide eyes. Even at only three, Maggie had been able to tell that her son was having issues with his vision, but in this moment it seemed that Richie saw more than was even there. More than he possibly understand. _

_ Maggie’s eyes trailed over to the screaming child and his mother, and Richie’s followed her. Even if Maggie hadn’t recognized Sonia, which would have been impossible, but even so young, that child look exactly like his father. She knew that the boy was of an age with Richard, if not a year older, but even from far away he looked much smaller. Her heart instantly went out to the distressed looking boy, with the shaking bottom lip and flushed red cheeks. She could only imagine the life he had ahead of him. _

_ She patted Richie on his little wrist, his eyes still strained on the small boy standing in the aisle near them. There was a weird sort of seriousness that she’d never seen before on her goofy little boy. “Is that boy okay, mommy?” _

_ “Yeah, sweetie.” Maggie said, though she wasn’t totally sure. “He’s fine. I’m sure he’s just fighting with his mommy.” _

_ Richie looked back over to the boy and frowned. There was something in that expression, that level of concern that Maggie wasn’t sure a child so young should be able to feel. She ruffled his hair, something that always made him squeal in laughter, but Richie only shrugged her away. “Why is he so sad?” _

_ Maggie looked back to the boy and Sonia, frowning. Sad wouldn’t have been the first word she would’ve have used, because sad sometimes seemed too big a word for people so young. Tired or upset, sure, but sad was just so deep. But as she looked at the boy now, the crinkle of his nose and how he was rubbing at his eyes, she realized Richie was right. _

_ ‘That boy is too young to be so sad.’ Maggie thought to herself, leaning down and scooping Richie up in her arms. Richie’s arms immediately went around her neck and he looked at her. His eyes didn’t sway, didn’t float all over her face and around her head like they always did. For maybe the first time in the child’s life, Maggie had his complete attention. “Sweetie, don’t worry about it, okay? I’m sure he just missed his nap time. You know how you get when you miss your naps, right?” _

_ Richie’s eyes trailed over to the little boy, who was quiet now and being ushered towards the cashier with his mother, who was holding a large amount of bandaids, syrups and medicines in her arms. Richie let out a huff of breath that sounded all too old for him and dropped his head onto her shoulder. “Can we get the icea cream and go home, Mommy? I’m sleepy now.” _

Eddie didn’t say anything for a long time. His hands were still soft and open in Richie’s, no longer holding them together but yet to have pulled them away from the touch. Richie’s stomach twisted up terribly with nerves. 

Eddie shook his head and let out a wet chuckle. “My ma and I have fought in stores more times than I can count.” Eddie said, his lips leaning up with half a smile. “I can’t believe you remember that.”

“I didn’t choose to remember it.” Richie pointed out, giving a fake nonchalant shrug. Deflect, deflect, deflect. It was Richie Tozier’s best friend. If you let everybody think forever that you didn’t care, they’d eventually all believe it. Not caring was the safest route to life. Sometimes even Richie believed that he didn’t give a fuck.

But Eddie Kaspbrak never believed it. Just now he glanced at Richie with a smirk miles long and waggled his eyebrows. “You’re such a bullshitter.” Eddie said, tossing his head back and giggling. “And you’re so bad at it! Everybody knows that you’re full of shit. You act like nothing matters, but I think you care about stuff more than anybody I’ve ever known.”

“That’s not true!” Richie cried, shaking his head and recognizing that he was probably pouting. He finally broke the contact with Eddie’s hands to cross his arms angrily. “I don’t care about anything_ . _Except Nirvana and Captain Marvel comics.” 

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Yeah, okay, Rich. Sure. That’s why you disappeared for three days and are moping out here over the fact that you’re moving and you don’t want us to forget you.” 

Richie sucked in his bottom lip, and let his gaze drag back over the water. He both felt and heard Eddie sigh beside. “It’s not a bad thing to care about people, Richie. You know that right? I used to believe that you were this asshole. For years. You’re good at acting.”

“What changed?” Richie asked, voice cracking. He, too, could pinpoint a time around fifth grade when things had changed between him and Eddie. When they stopped being two people with mutual friends, and had started being friends themselves. He’d never understood what happened. He’d always liked Eddie (okay, maybe not always as in “at all times”, but as overall thing he’d liked the weird kid) but he’d never really been able to figure out why one day Eddie just decided to like him. 

Eddie rubbed at the back of his neck, looking down at his lap and licking his bottom lip as he let out a short chuckle. “It was that trip to the stupid zoo in fifth grade, and that goddamn giraffe-”

_ Had just licked Eddie. Richie and Stan stood frozen in their spots, watching the slow horror slide over their friends face. Richie had known it wasn’t a good idea, for Eddie to feed the animals. It was allowed, of course, but Richie had tried to tell him not to. Eddie was a bit of a prissy bitch when it came to germs, but he was also an even bigger bitch when people tried to tell him what to do. Richie and Stan’s vocalized concerns had been met with a rough “fuck you, I can do it” and Eddie had grabbed the seed. Then the giraffe's tongue had touched Eddie’s hand and now he was about to freak out. _

_ Richie had wanted to shoot out a loud “I told you so” but Eddie turned back to his friends with a sheet white face, eyes already starting to turn red and shaking hands. Richie let out a rough sigh, and started to run towards him. He heard Stan shouting something about getting the teacher, but Richie suspected that Stan just also didn’t want to go near the giraffe. Richie approached Eddie slowly, hands stretched outwards, like Eddie was that half-feral stray cat that lived down the street that Richie brought food and water. Sometimes the cat was sweet, climbing onto him and purring. Other times it hissed and scratched him. Eddie Kaspbrak was a lot like that. _

_ “Eddie. Do you have your inhaler?” Richie asked, feeling his own hands starting to shake. Eddie having an asthma attack was a terrifying thing, Richie usually took off whenever it happened. It was scary and it made Richie feel yucky. Weird. Just feel a whole bunch of fucked up shit that he didn’t have a name for and sure as hell didn’t like. It was always okay, because Bill was always there for Eddie when he asthma attacks. Bill knew how to help. _

_ But Bill wasn’t at the zoo today and Richie was a self proclaimed dumbass. _

_ Eddie was shaking his head frantically. “N-n-no! The teacher said it would be sa-safer with th-them.” Eddie’s whole body was shaking now and Richie cursed under his breath the worst word that his mother hated when he said it. He took hold of Eddie carefully by the wrists, feeling the way Eddie startled against him, trying to pull back. He was breathing weirdly now. Too loudly, too close together. Definitely having an attack. Fantastic. _

_ Richie took Eddie to bench near the stand for purchasing animal feed, and practically forced him to sit down. Eddie wheezed loudly and starting moving to fold in on himself. “Hey, stop, stop.” Richie said, holding his hands out in front of Eddie’s shaking body. “You don’t need to worry, Eds! Okay? Stan the Man is getting the teachers and they’ll bring your inhaler and you’re going to be fine. Kids don’t die on school trips.” _

_ Eddie just wheezed in response and Richie’s heart started beating so hard against his chest that it hurt. “Eddie, I know you’re half dying right now but I need you to like…. Give me something here. What do I do?” _

_ Eddie let out a big heave of breath and shook his head quickly. “Dirty… Duh-duh-, it’s dirty.” _

_ Richie wrinkled up his nose and shook his head back at him. “What the fuck are you talking- oh.” Dirty. Of course. Eddie’s hand. That was the root of this whole problem wasn’t it? His stupid giraffe hand. “That’s okay, Eds! We can fix that. You don’t need to have a big stupid freak out. Look.” _

_ Richie moved quickly, grabbing at Eddie’s fanny pack. He didn’t miss how Eddie’s breathing got even more frantic as Richie touched him, but Richie just got what he needed and pulled away quickly. He held the stupid baby wipes he always made fun of Eddie for carrying around out towards him. “See, Eds? Look. Look!” _

_ Eddie looked up at him, eyes watery and cheeks a little sunken in. His posture was stiff and his expression was wild with fear. His gaze dropped down the object in Richie’s hands and his lips curled slightly in confusion that broke through the obvious panic in his mind. _

_ “Can I…” Richie cleared his throat and rolled his eyes. “Just let me… Here.” _

_ He took Eddie’s hand a little roughly, causing the other boy to gasp and let out a little small, shaky sob but Richie just pulled out a wipe and brushed them against Eddie’s licked hand. He continued to wipe at it much longer than he would ever clean himself, but he kept going until the hand he was washing wasn’t shaking anymore. _

_ “You can let go of me now.” Eddie said, sounding almost back to normal. His voice was quieter, embarrassed maybe, and Richie dropped his hand. _

_ Richie gave him a quick smile. “See? It’s not dirty forever. Anything that’s dirty can be cleaned.” _

_ A weird look settled on Eddie’s face, putting Richie back on the edge he’d barely gotten himself off of. Eddie looked at him slowly, frown lines deep in his brows. Not for the first time since meeting, Richie thinks on how Eddie sometimes looks like an old man. _

_ “Anything?” Eddie asked him quietly, his eyes stuck on Richie’s hands. _

_ Richie frowned, but before he had the chance to ask what Eddie meant, Stan was leading a group of teachers and students over to fuss about Eddie while Richie was pushed aside. _

Richie laid himself back in the grass, arms out behind his head and stared up at the sky. The sun had set, and the stars were out now, starting to line across the sky. It had taken him a second to remember the trip in the first place, but he suddenly remembered vividly. He also remembered how Eddie’s question about getting clean had bounced around in his head for weeks afterwards, demanding an explanation that Richie couldn’t find. He thinks he knows now, and that’s somehow more unsettling. “I never understood that. What you were talking about. It bothered me for weeks but I was too much of a pussy to just ask you.”

Eddie was quiet for a moment, still sitting up, still starting out at the water. “Do you still not understand? Do you still… do you still not know?” 

Richie looked at Eddie, letting his eyes trail across Eddie’s back. The stiffness of his shoulders, the way he wouldn’t turn around. Maybe he just hadn’t, but something in Richie’s gut told him it was more than that. If you asked Richie if he knew what Eddie had meant that day, he would’ve said no. It might have annoyed him for those few weeks at ten years old, wondering what could get dirty but never be cleaned. Knowing the answer was much more of an issue, and Richie had enough issues. 

He pushed to his feet and tugged Eddie up by the back of his shirt. As Eddie turned around, they crashed together and nearly fell. Eddie let out a harsh, half-breath and looked up at Richie with deep, suddenly scared eyes. Richie just grinned at him.

“Jump with me.”

“What?” Eddie shrieked, grabbing hold of Richie’s arm before Richie could take the leap off the Quarry. “Are you insane?”

Richie raised his eyebrows. “Yeah, what’s the big deal? We’ve jumped before.” 

“Not since-” Eddie broke off, looking down at the water. Richie followed his gaze down. He could practically see them all down there, the six of them. On what was maybe the last day they were kids. “You know.”

“Yeah, I do.” Richie agreed. “So, we’re jumping. Fuck all that shit. I'm not leaving when all my good memories have been ruined by that stupid bitch ass clown.”

Eddie raised one brow and bit down on his bottom lip. “All of them?” 

Richie looked back at him and grinned, nodding his head towards the edge of the cliff. Eddie was just starting to shake his head when Richie launched himself over. The water was freezing as it rushed up to meet him, then surrounded him completely. The fall hadn’t felt as long as it had before. It was almost as though the water had been eager to meet him, waiting for him all this time. He let the water take all of him, opening his eyes. It was now too dark to see anything through the water, but Richie felt like the world could stop forever so long as he was under the water.

He was suddenly being pulled up, coughing and was facing a concerned look Eddie Kaspbrak. Richie shot him a grin, throat burning a little bit. “You jumped.”

“Yeah, well,” Eddie cleared his throat, looking around the water as though it had personally offended him. “You… you didn’t come back. Up. You didn’t come back up.” 

Richie let the words settle over him for a moment, before floating up onto his back. He closed his eyes again. The world was a bit nicer when you couldn’t see it sometimes. “You used to always flat out refuse, and you’d come sit down on the bottom while we swam? Took you years to put even a toe in.”

“Yeah because this water is disgusting!” Eddie rolled his eyes, splashing Richie in the face with said disgusting water. “I’m pretty sure our sewer water washes right into this Quarry, you know?”

“I think your mom made that up to keep you from swimming with us.” Richie said quietly, floating on his back with his eyes still tightly closed. Another air of silence settled over them, not necessarily an uncomfortable one, but an obvious one. They weren’t existing in silence together, they were avoiding things they wanted to say.

“I remember the first time I went in the water.” Eddie said suddenly. “It was the summer before seventh grade and you had-”

_ Fallen between the rocks and gotten his leg stuck. Richie let out a shout, too much not his usual annoying or overexcited shouts. The mixed shock and pain was obvious immediately, breaking Stan and Bill away from their heated conversation about whether or not Bill could have seen a turtle in these waters. Even from the land not too far away, Eddie jerked away from the comics he slipped out of Richie’s bag to look for his friend. He couldn’t see properly, just the sight of Stan and BIll splashing through the water and a little bit of Richie between the rocks. _

_ Eddie pursed his lips, lowering the comic back to Richie’s back pack and stood up. “What happened?” _

_ Nobody answered him, but he could hear Stan and Bill shouting at each other. There seems to be a struggle that Eddie that can only barely see, then Richie lets out another loud scream through the Quarry. Eddie’s hair stands on end and he suddenly felt a little light headed. _

_ “Oww! Fuck, FUCK! STOP!” Richie was shouting, and Eddie wasn’t thinking. He just trudged into the water and moved as fast as he could towards his friends. Eddie did know how to swim- his mother had made sure he’d taken lessons three summers in a row, just in case there was a sudden flood or an impossible tsunami in Derry- but he’d never been allowed in the streams or rivers. For the first time, Eddie wasn’t afraid that his mother would take one look at him and know he’d been in the water. He just had to get over there and make sure Stan and Bill weren’t breaking Richie’s body- or worse. _

_ “Move, move.” Eddie pushed at Bill and Stan to make his way through. He crouched in front of Richie, letting his shirt get wet. _

_ “Eddie…” Stan said behind him, but he went ignored. _

_ Richie’s cheeks were red, his hair was stuck to his forehead, and his leg was stuck good. There were tears in his eyes but Eddie ignored them. “Dumbasses.” He shook his head. “Let me guess, you were just pulling on him? Are you trying to break his leg?” _

_ Richie let out a horrified squeak but Eddie had already rounded back to Bill and Stan, who both had the decency to look ashamed. “Buh-buh-better bruh-broken than st-st-stuck forever, ruh-right?” _

_ Stan smacked Bill in the arm and rolled his eyes, while Eddie glared daggers at him for a moment before turning back to a distressed Richie. Eddie thought he’d maybe never seen Richie like this. So quiet, scared. No jokes, no loud noises, no words. Just looking up at Eddie with wide eyes, needing his help. It made Eddie’s stomach twist a little bit. _

_ “It’s okay,” he promised, shifting so he was closer to standing than kneeling and took hold of Richie’s leg at the knee. “I’m not going to pull it, okay? I’m going to twist it out. It’s going to hurt, you’ll be all scraped up, but it won’t be broken. Okay?” _

_ Richie let out a small whimper of a sound, but nodded. Stan moved quickly over to Eddie’s side, grabbing onto to Richie’s shoulders to keep him stiller. Richie let out a long, pained scream as Eddie twisted and shoved at Richie’s stuck limb. Eddie winced, wanting to let go and cover his ears to Richie’s screams but knew he couldn’t. He simply kept muttering “sorry, sorry, I’m sorry,” on a loop until Richie’s leg popped free. _

_ His stomach twisted up at the bloody sight, and tightened even more at the choked sobbing noise that came out of Richie’s mouth once he was free. _

_ “Help me with him,” Stan said to Bill. They moved quickly to each get an arm around Richie and practically dragged him back to the bank. He settled down and Eddie dropped beside him, quickly wrapping Bill’s towel around his bleeding leg. He didn’t think the bleeding was serious enough that Richie was going to do any sort of bleeding out, but Eddie still had images of horror in his mind. _

_ “Hey! Tha-that’s muh-mine!” Bill cried. _

_ Stan shushed him. _

_ “I’m sorry,” Eddie said as Richie winced at the pressure Eddie was applying to the scrapes. _

_ “It’s okay,” Richie said back softly, subdued. Eddie pursed his lips and let his hands rest over Richie’s toweled up leg. _

_ “Do you think you can ride your bike home?” Eddie asked gently. “You should get that taken care of proper and I can’t do that here. If you can’t then you can ride double with me. Bill can walk your bike back.” _

_ Richie waggled his eyebrows, though his eyes were still littered with tears and his cheeks still puffy. “I’d love to ride you, Eds. You know-” _

_ “Oh my God, BEEP BEEP!” Eddie cried, shoving at Richie’s shoulder. “You’re so disgusting, I’m never helping you again with anything ever!” _

_ “You went into the water to save me,” Richie reminded him with dancing eyes. “Oh my God, Eds. You went into piss water! For me!” _

_ “I’m begging you to shut up.” _

_ “You swam in piss water!” _

_ Eddie flicked him in the injured leg, feeling only the smallest bit of guilt when Richie cried out in pain. _

Eddie slashed the water into Richie again. “So this is the second time you’ve forced me into the stupid, disgusting water! Some friend you are! Asshole!”

Richie laughed at Eddie’s mock-angry tone and doved at him, ducking them both underneath the water. Eddie shouted as they went down, no doubt getting himself a huge mouthful of said stupid, disgusting water. As Richie let them back up, Eddie whacked at Richie’s chest repeatedly, giggling. Richie made a largely exazzergated face, right up to sticking out his tongue and moving towards Eddie.

Eddie sheriked, splashing more water at Richie and attempting to swim away. Richie dove forward, wrapping his arms around Eddie and heaving him up into the air. Richie was a string bean of a person, for sure, and Eddie was much stronger- but he let Richie lift him without putting up a struggle, and get dumped into the water.

Eddie broke back up at the surface, laughing breathlessly. “It’s too cold to be swimming yet.” Eddie said, pushing his wet hair out of his face then reaching for Richie’s hand underneath the water. “We’ll get sick, come on. Let’s go get slushies.”

Richie face light up and he grabbed Eddie’s hand tighter in his. “Can I get cherry?”

Eddie raised one eyebrow. “Yeah, Rich? You can get whatever flavour you want.”

Because Eddie would be paying, of course. Eddie always paid. His allowances were bigger than Richie’s, and Eddie didn’t blow his in its entirety the day he got it. Richie was always more than generous when it came to spending money on his friends every Friday, paying for their movie tickets or their food. And for the rest of the week, Eddie covered him. It was a tradition. 

“Perfect!” Richie cheered, pulling him towards the bank. He shook out his hair like a dog and grinned. Eddie didn’t drop his hand. “You’re going to get blue raspberry like always, and then we can make purple.”

Eddie crinkled up his nose. “Why would we make purple? You’re just going to mix up cherry and blue raspberry? That’s disgusting!” Richie just waggled his eyes and Eddie felt his cheeks start burning. “OKAY NO, that’s even more disgusting. You’re gross!”

“Then let go of my hand.” Richie sang, leaning into Eddie’s personal space. Eddie looked down at Richie’s hand wrapped around his and smiled. Then frowned. Soon Richie would gone, and Eddie wouldn’t be able to hold his hand if he wanted to. Hell, Richie was probably right. Chances were on his side that once Richie crossed that city line, he’d start forgetting about them right away. 

“No.” Eddie said cheekily, grinning up at Richie. That seriousness was behind his eyes again. He was trying harder to hide it, but Eddie could see it. Could feel it. It filled the air around them as much as it did the space in their heads. Eddie swung their hands lightly as they took themselves off the bank and back up towards the streets of Derry.

That hike had once made Eddie wheeze and his chest tighten, but it felt like nothing now. He could understand what it was like to feel on top of the world, as he marched back out onto the Derry streets, under the dark of night with Richie’s hand in his. The little thought, more of threat, popped into his head about how he wouldn’t be able to do this for long, but Eddie pushed them away. He wouldn’t let them ruin anything right now.

As the edges of town started to bleed into the town's streets, Eddie felt Richie’s hand tightening around his. Eddie tightened back, feeling suddenly so much safer than he probably should in a town like Derry. He knew it was a place that no matter what holding hands meant in the moment, it wasn’t something he and Richie should be doing. But there was a dark cover around them, silence through the streets and Eddie did feel safe. This was something he didn’t ever want to lose. Something he wasn’t ready to lose, no matter how closely it was starting to loom. 

Richie dropped Eddie’s hand as they walked into the corner 7/11, and Eddie felt a little colder. But Richie was still grinning from ear to ear, and skipped towards the slushie machine. Eddie followed after him, grinning softly to himself. Richie, as per usual, over filled his paper cup, and bright, almost toxic looking red slush dripped everywhere across the counters and his cup. Eddie rolled his eyes and filled his own cup with the shiny blue much nicer.

“Do you want anything else?” Eddie asked, grabbing a package of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups from the display of chocolates and sweets. Richie eyed the display carefully, then shook his head with a smile. Eddie wasn’t entirely sure if he believed him, but he decided not to press the point. After two days of complete radio silence, Eddie supposed he would allow a few secrets as long as Richie was still talking. 

They moved back into the night air, Richie sipping happily at his cherry drink while Eddie admired Richie more than he drank his own. They moved towards the residential streets, Eddie sighing as they reached his own. He wasn’t ready to part ways, to go home and finally accept that he was going to lose Richie. 

Richie slowed in front of Eddie’s house, turning him with a half expectant look on his face. Eddie looked at the house, not at Richie, and smiled slightly. “Do you remember the first time you snuck into my bedroom window?” He asked suddenly, turning back to Richie. 

Richie blinked at him, seeming a little startled. “I… yeah, it was last summer, after you broke your arm. Your ma had you under house arrest and I’d just fought with Bill and-”

_ Richie fell into Eddie’s bedroom, letting out a loud grunt as he hit the ground. Eddie, half asleep and still a little drugged up on pain killers, let out a panicked shout at the sound of the intruder. Richie scrambled forward and slapped a hand over Eddie’s mouth. _

_ “Shut up!” Richie hissed. “Do you want your mother to hear you and kick me out?” _

_ “What are you doing here?” Eddie slapped Richie away with his good hand, then finally got a good look at Richie. There was a bruise blooming on his cheek and Eddie frowned, reaching forward to touch it lightly. Richie hissed, jerking away from the touch. “What happened? Was it… Was it It?” _

_ “No.” Richie said, pushing up to sit on the bed beside Eddie. “No, Bill punched me in the face.” _

_ Eddie’s mouth dropped open. “Bill punched you? Bill Denbrough? No way.” _

_ “Yes way!” Richie cried softly. “He’s a maniac. He’s completely lost his mind! After your ma took you, he kept going on about how we know things now, and how when we go back, we can do better like you didn’t just get fucked up and like! Ben! His whole ass insides were outside! Bill didn’t even care! So I told him how it was, that Georgie was dead and that Bill was going to get us all dead too. Then he punched me.” _

_ Eddie stared at Richie for a moment, biting his lip. “You shouldn’t have said Georgie was dead. You know Bill’s sensitive about that. That was mean.” Richie gaped at him, incredulous, and Eddie’s eyes dropped back to the bruise on Richie’s cheek. It wasn’t too dark, but Eddie supposed it may yet grow darker. “He shouldn’t have hit you. I can’t believe he did that. That’s fucked up.” _

_ “But I deserved though, right?” Richie said angrily, legs bouncing while clenching and unclenching his fist. “For running my stupid mouth?” _

_ “I didn’t say that.” Eddie said seriously, a calm to Richie’s storm. A rare role reversal. _

_ “You kind of did.” Richie replied bitterly. _

_ Eddie paused. Had he said that? It wasn’t what he meant. “Well, I…” Eddie shook his head. “You know what the doctors said?” Richie narrowed his eyes and Eddie barrelled on. “They said that you snapping my arm back was the best thing for me. That it really helped, and probably stopped it from getting hurt more. I never would’ve thought of that, and I’m supposed to be the smart one about that stuff.” _

_ Richie looked away bashfully. “You would’ve thought of it if it was somebody else, probably. It’s hard when it’s your own arm and shit.” Richie dropped his gaze down to the cast. “Can I sign it? I promise I won’t draw a dick or anything gross.” _

_ Eddie’s heart jumped at the thought but he had to shake his head. “If you sign, my ma would know you were here. And…” _

_ Richie held a hand up and nodded. “It’s okay, Eds. I get it.” _

“Then that bitch Greta got to sign it first.” Richie said, sounding almost more bitter about it than Eddie was himself. “Wrote Loser on it. What a cunt.”

Eddie sucked in a deep breath. “Richie that’s a terrible word. Even for you.”

“Well, she is one.” Richie said with a shrug, looking back towards the Kaspbrak house. “She’s been horrible to you for years, to all of us. You should’ve heard some of the things she did to Bev. She’s a demon. A cunt, if you will.”

“It’s still a terrible word.” Eddie said slowly, scratching at the arm that had been broken. He still thought it looked smaller than the other, but everybody else claimed he was crazy. That he was just seeing things. And maybe he was. Maybe his arms were both the same size, no melted muscles or any sort of physical marks. Maybe Eddie wanted his one arm to be smaller. Maybe he felt if he had some sort of obvious damage, he wouldn’t feel so bad about the mental ones. Something real, something people could see. Describe. Understand.

Richie was looking at him now like he did understand, and Eddie had to guess that he did. Nobody would ever understand like the other Losers. The loss, the terror. It lingered, followed you whenever you went. Even if IT was dead, if they never had to come back, never had to fight IT again, Eddie didn’t think they’d ever be scar free. Stan would wear them on his face, Ben on his stomach and all of them on their hearts. 

“Maybe… maybe it’s good that leaving Derry makes us forget.” Richie spoke up suddenly, in one of those rare, eery moment when it was almost like he could read Eddie’s mind. “Forgetting some things sounds pretty good.”

“You’re not going to forget anything.” Eddie said firmly. “You’re going to leave Derry, and you’re gonna be great but you’re not going to forget. Okay? You’re not allowed. You’ll remember and we’ll keep in touch and after high school, we’re gonna go to college together and I’ll be-

_ Waiting in the airport for nearly two hours, Eddie would be pacing. He knew it was common knowledge and courtesy to show up extremely early for a flight, and he could only assume it was the same for picking somebody up who was flying in. His stomach would be in complete knots, his nerves almost unbearable. _

_ It would be many years since he’d of had seen Richie face-to-face, their entire relationship having been based with letters and phone calls. He would still be Eddie’s closest friend in the entire world, nobody would ever know Eddie better than one Richie Tozier. He’d be shaky with nerves, absolutely beside himself with the thought of finally seeing Richie face-to-face again after all these years. Of starting their college experience together, side by side. Just like it should be. _

_ He’d see Richie coming through the crowds of people getting off the plane, and into the lobby. Eddie’s heart would catch without giving a thought and he’d rush at him, tossing himself into Richie’s arms and nearly sending them falling to the ground. Richie would manage to hold their footing at the last moment, his now much larger height managing to keep them steady. _

_ Richie’s arms would be like a vice around him, and Eddie would probably be shaking as he was held. Held by arms that hadn’t held him in so long. When Eddie finally pulled back, he’d stare into Richie’s eyes and it would be a changing moment- _

“Eds….” Richie tried to interrupt, voice suddenly sounding rough and Eddie’s gut tensed. He started shaking a little bit, reaching back out for Richie’s hands and pleading with him not to speak over him. To let Eddie get it out, to please let him just finish. 

Richie lowered his eyes, no longer staring directly into Eddie’s own, but made no further moves to interrupt. 

_ There would be a long silence between them where Richie and Eddie finally pulled away. The pair of them just looking each other over, having had no other sort of physical looks over the years. They would both still be able to see their old friend in one another- in Richie’s long swoop nose and expressive eyes, or in the freckles that Eddie still hadn’t grown out of or the way his brown hair curled at the edges. _

_ “Looking good, Spaghetti.” Richie would say, or something similar along those lines. _

_ “Don’t call me that,” Eddie would reply, trying to pretend he hated it but he would know Richie knew he didn’t. That he never had. And Richie’s matching grin would confirm it. _

_ He would toss an arm around Eddie’s shorter shoulders, guiding him towards the door the lead to the real world where Eddie’s car would be waiting. Maybe it was ambition to think that Sonia would ever let him drive, but Eddie would never be able to imagine a future where he couldn’t. _

_ Richie would lean more into his space, his weight a little bit on top of Eddie’s but nothing he couldn’t handle. He would lean down to nuzzle his nose against Eddie’s cheek. “I missed you, Eds.” _

_ Eddie would probably blush, and whack at Richie’s chest. “Shut up, dickwad. I missed you, too. Stupid.” _

“Eddie.” Richie cut in, squeezing his eyes shut tightly and shaking his head. There was suddenly a hard crack of emotions written over his face that Eddie’s stuttered his story to a stop. Richie’s hand was still in his, shaking, and Eddie couldn’t remember the last time he’d felt so vulnerable and open. It was like every molecule in his body was exploding while waiting for Richie to say something.

Richie didn’t speak, though. He tugged on Eddie’s hand slightly, stepping forward and letting them fall together. Richie leaned in and pressing their lips together. Eddie’s stomach jumped right into his throat and he barely had the brain capacity to kiss Richie back before he was pulling back. 

He didn’t move far, there was hardly any space between their noses. Eddie could feel Richie breathing against his cheek. “That’s not how it would be.” 

“What?” Eddie breathed out, a little dazed. Richie’s hand was inside his still, the other settled on Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie didn’t know what to do with his second hand. 

“When we meet again.” Richie said carefully, his fingernails digging into Eddie’s shoulder. Eddie tried not to wince at the burning desperation that Richie was suddenly showing. “It’s not going to be like that.”

“You said when,” Eddie pointed out, letting his hand come up carefully to rest on Richie’s hip. A small, almost unconscious smile tugged at the corner of Richie’s lips, even as concern and worry was written all over the rest of his face. “When we meet again.”

“Yeah,” Richie sighed more than he said. “But you know, when it happens, it’ll probably be an accident. Like, I’ll be sitting-”

_ In a bar, sipping slowly at his drink. It would be his second drink, maybe his third. But it wouldn’t matter much, Richie would live within walking distance of this pub. He’d be down there twice, maybe three times a week. Tonight would be a little more interesting than usual, a cute little button nosed boy sitting across alone halfway across the bar had caught Richie’s eye several minutes ago, and he would be growing close to plucking up the nerve to go talk to him. _

_ Richie’s acting career would be taking off, and he’d like being in small bars where nobody would recognize him. He wouldn’t usually pick up strangers. Just in case. But something about this guy would be burning Richie’s attention, dragging his gaze over to him every couple of minutes. He wouldn’t be able to explain it to himself but his leg would be jittering up and down in the need to go speak to him. _

_ He wouldn’t get the chance. The other man’s gaze would meet his across the bar, and he’d be standing quickly. Ducking through crowds of people and smoky air, and Richie would consider running into the bathroom to avoid whatever weird confrontation was about to happen between them. At the last minute, he’d decide to stay. Decide to let this all play out. _

_ The guy would come to sit in front of him, hands on his hips and nose all crinkled up adorably. “Do I know you?” He’d ask, voice bringing chills down Richie’s spine. There would be something so familiar about it, something just out of the reach of his memory. “Because I swear I have to know you. You look so familiar.” _

_ “You might have seen me on TV,” Richie would reply casually, even though his heart would be beating like absolute mad. His hands would be sweating underneath the table. Something about this situation would feel so wrong, yet so right at the same time. “I do a little acting.” _

_ The man would look Richie up and down, and Richie would feel like that gaze would be seeing right through Richie and every lie he’d told to get his foot in the door. Like he was the first person seeing Richie in ten years at least. _

_ “That’s not it.” The man would say, sitting down and giving a slight smirk. “I only watch good TV so I wouldn’t have seen anything you’re in.” _

_ “Yeah, I mean,” Richie would replied, suddenly smirking right back. “I haven’t really gotten into doing porn yet, so I don’t know why I’d think you’d recognize me.” _

_ The banter would feel so easy, like slipping right back into something they’d always known how to do. There would be a huge air of comfort around them, Richie feeling as though he’d known the boy his whole life. The man would check out Richie obviously and nod to himself. _

_ “So, what’s your name?” He’d ask, leaning forward on his elbow on the bar table. “I think I deserve to know after everything.” _

_ “Everything?” Richie would challenge, waggling his eyebrows. “What did you do to earn that? You haven’t done any work.” _

_ The man would grin, with eyes that dance under the bar lights. “I don’t know. Don’t you feel like I have? That I deserve to know. I think you want to tell me.” _

_ Richie would pause, letting his eyes fall all over the guy in front of him. There would be something so terribly familiar about him, and Richie would feel that maybe yeah… maybe he should tell the guy his name. “It’s Richard.” _

_ A weird look would settle on the guys face then, he’d lean in closer. “Richard? Like, Richie?” _

_ Richie… “Only my parents call me that.” Richie would chuckle, scratching at the back of his head. “And the people I grew up with back in Maine, I guess. Haven’t thought of them in years, though.” _

_ “You’re from Maine?” The other guy would gasp, sitting up rim-straight in his chair. “I grew up in Maine, too! What city?” _

_ “Derry.” Richie would reply, and the other guy would say it back in the same moment. They’d stare each other down from across the table. _

_ “My name’s Eddie.” Eddie would say, his hand twitching on the table like he wants to take Richie’s hand. Richie’s would twitch back in the same movement, aching to reach out. To touch. “Eddie Kaspbrak, do you-” _

_ “Tozier.” Richie would have to speak through a dry throat, and shaking bottom lip. “It’s Tozier and I….” _

_ Eddie’s face would break into the biggest smile, he’d finally move his hand across the table and grab Richie’s. “You…. I told you were going to meet again, Richie.” _

Eddie laughed, stroking his thumb along Richie’s jaw and holding back tears. “You’re a good story teller, Richie. Might give Bill a run for his money.” 

Richie broke out in a grin from ear to ear, nosing against Eddie’s cheek. “Don’t tell him that. He’ll get all angry and broding and kill us off in his next story.”

“God, yeah. His shit is morbid, isn’t it?” Richie laughed, his hand tensing and untensing on Eddie’s shoulder. “Can’t blame him I guess but… would it kill somebody to give a happy ending?”

“Maybe the stories aren’t over.” Eddie said quietly, almost afraid to blink and miss even a second of Richie being so close. “There’s still lots of time for a happy ending.”

“Eddie, can I kiss you again?” Richie asked, his voice sounding a little rough. A little old. “Or would that be like… too sad? Maybe…”

Eddie pushed forward slightly, truthfully barely having to move at all, and pressed their lips together for a second time that night. For the second time in their lives. And Eddie knew it wasn’t safe. That there wasn’t a place for them for this. That stil place- out in the open, in Derry, in front of Eddie’s fucking house- was probably the worst of them all. But Eddie couldn’t care about anything but Richie’s lips moving against his. Eddie didn’t know how to kiss, he didn’t think Richie did either. But Eddie was sure that this kiss was the most perfect kiss in the world, and that nothing could ever top it. 

They broke apart too soon for Eddie’s liking, but he was slightly out of breath even as they did. “Rich…” Eddie cleared his throat. “You know, you’ve already been missing from home for like, two days…. I don’t think one more night would be the end of the world.”

“What are you saying?” Richie asked, leaning back out of Eddie’s space just enough to look at all of Eddie’s face. He had a small smile on his face, like he knew exactly what Eddie was trying to say was and wanted Eddie to say it anyway.

Eddie rolled his eyes. “Climb up into the window. I’ll meet you there in ten minutes, max.”

Richie stuck his tongue out between his teeth and gave Eddie a mock salute before running towards Eddie’s the back of Eddie’s house. Eddie watched him run for a moment, smiling to himself, then moved to let himself into the house. He’d just barely made it back before curfew, which had prompted a short but rushed conversation with his Ma. Eddie knew how distracted he was probably wasn’t helping his mother’s concern but all he could think of was rushing up those stairs to his room.

Once he was finally able to, he slammed the door as loudly as he could without prompting a visit from Sonia. He frowned when he noticed Richie setting up the sleeping bag they stalked up the bed for Richie’s impromptu sleepovers. “What are you doing?”

Richie froze, pillow in hand and stared at Eddie with wide eyes. “I thought you… I thought you wanted me to sleepover?”

Eddie shuffled awkwardly, and moved to start packing the sleeping bag back into a roll. “I thought maybe you’d want to sleep… in my bed with me. We used to when we were little kids, remember?” 

Richie looked at Eddie for a moment, narrowing his eyes like trying to decide if he was serious or not, then slowly handed Eddie the pillow. Eddie returned the pillow and sleeping bag to their hidey hole under the bed. Richie and Eddie crawled into the bed, pressed together side-to-side. Eddie twiddled his fingers together before Richie took a leap of faith and reached over, tangling him together.

“I’m going to miss you.” Eddie blurted it out more than he said it. His eyes burned a little bit. “I don’t know if I told you. Before. Maybe I did. But I uh- I’m really gonna miss you.”

“I’m going to miss you more than anyone.” Richie said in a soft voice that was just his own. Not a gimmick, or a joke, or anything extravagant. Just Richie’s own soft voice, just Richie. “Don’t like, tell Stan or Ben that, because it’s probably rude as fuck. But it’s true. Becoming friends with you was like the best thing that ever happened to me. All of you, but still you specifically.” 

Eddie dropped his head down onto Richie’s shoulder, sighing happily. “Let’s just hide you in here.” Eddie said, sliding his thumb along Richie’s hand slowly. “You can share my bed, and sleep in the sleeping bag when we get into fights. Nobody ever has to know.”

Richie laughed. “I think my parents will notice if they leave for California and I’m not with them.” 

Eddie grumbled under his breath. Richie took out a small breath to settle himself, letting go of Eddie’s hand to wrap an arm around him. “Okay, well. We’re still not moving until the school year is over, so I guess I can like… live on your bedroom floor until then if you really want me to.” 

Eddie let out a small sigh, knowing it was outrageous to think he could hide Richie in there forever. “You’d sleep on my floor all week?”

Richie just hummed and Eddie leaned up so he was looking at him. “You know what we could be doing all week?”

Richie looked down at Eddie and licked his bottom lip. “You want to do that for a whole week?”

“I probably want to do that for a whole forever.” Richie said, shrugging one shoulder and shifting awkwardly on the bed so he was closer to Eddie’s space. As though he could get any closer without becoming one person. “But I’ll need to take at least a several year break so. This week will have to do.”

Richie gave a goofy smile, and licked his lips once more before pulling Eddie to him. Their lips locked together, soft and so not the way Eddie had imagined kissing Richie would be- in the few times he’d allowed his thoughts to stray down the path in the last few months. He always thought Richie would kiss like the gross boy he dressed like, with tongues down Eddie’s throat and hands all over him. He always thought it was great, but also kind of fucking gross. This wasn’t like that at all. Richie kissed him softly, almost nervously. 

Eddie sighed against Richie’s mouth, sliding his hands up Richie’s chest and breaking their lips apart. Richie smiled a little at him, his eyes sliding closed as he leaned against Eddie’s forehead. “I’m sorry.” Richie said, his eyes still closed. 

Eddie blinked at him, lifting a hand up to play with the curls at the bottom of Richie’s neck. “What are you sorry for?”

“Kissing you right before I leave, I guess.” Richie said, picking at some invisible lint on the hem of Eddie’s shirt. “That we could have had more time, maybe? That we can’t be together. That I might leave and not even remember that we kissed and you might have to remember it all by yourself.”

Eddie smiled, leaning in slightly to kiss where Richie’s mouth met his cheek. “It fucking sucks, Rich. But I… I don’t mind remembering for both of us, if you forget. Because I already know, you know, that we’ll meet again. And then you’ll remember if you forget. And if you don’t, then… Then we can just both remember. Whatever that means.”

Because it’s a shitty world to be different in. And it would be hard enough living so far away if you didn’t have to keep your whole life a secret. If you didn’t always feel one step behind everything, living in constant worry that somebody would find out. Eddie wished he could always hold the confidence he’d had while telling Richie his story, but he knew that wasn’t realistic. That Eddie would be scared most of this life, with a life like this. That, maybe, he’d never be able to tell anybody except Richie. 

But Richie was smiling at him like that was okay. That maybe Richie would never be able to tell anybody else, either. And they could be each other’s best kept secret. 

“Look, let’s just…” Eddie cleared his throat, dropping his eyes down to Richie’s lips. “Let’s worry about what’s going to happen when you leave tomorrow. We can have one night here where we pretend you’re not going anywhere and that this… that this can be something. Okay?”

_ Let’s have one night where you and I can be you and I, and we can be safe. _ The words didn’t make it past Eddie’s lips, but he hoped that Richie could feel them. 

Richie smiled and kissed him once, quickly, then beamed down at him. “Okay. Fine. Tonight we’re Eddie and Richie, and we’re both home.”

Eddie yanked Richie down by the back of his neck. He kissed him until the world melted away into nothing but Richie. Until he physically couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore, and he fell asleep with his head on Richie’s shoulder. Fell asleep knowing that while he may have to go a long time without this, that someday he’ll be able to do it every single night for the rest of his life. And with that knowledge, he can sleep with ease for as long as it took to get back to Richie Tozier. 


End file.
